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Conspiracy Theories…

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Newsweak Pakistan, representing Pakistan, the land of conspiracy theories, illustrates the ‘art of conspiracy’…

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Facebook angers Chootias of Karachi

KARACHI: The All Karachi Chootia Students’ Union (AKCSU) on Saturday raised serious concern against a social networking site blocking the accounts of thousands of Chootia community subscribers believing the accounts to be fake and fabricated. The Chootias, are a community in Karachi while the word is a commonly-used derogatory term in Urdu.

Addressing a press conferrence in Karachi, AKCSU  general secretary Rizwan Chootia said: “‘Facebook has blocked the accounts of all the subscribers belonging to the Chootia community of Karachi thinking the names are false and fabricated. For Chootia  being an abusive word in the Urdu language, Facebook authorities thought that the account holders are fake and fabricated. But, they are still unknown to the fact that Chootia is an ethnic tribe of Karachi which has a rich historical background in the state history.”

The students’ organization also decided to burn an effigy of the social networking site on the II Chundrigar Road on Monday and demanded public apology from the social networking website for their action.

”We are very unhappy with authority as they have even failed to verify the matter seriously before taking a step like blocking thousands of our accounts. We think it may be a deep-rooted conspiracy against our community and so we warn them to abstain from such acts in the future. They even failed to verify the truth when they blocked the accounts of some prominent personalities and popular artists like Riaz Chootia, who belongs to our community. We protested this negligence and demanded them to reactivate our accounts immediately,'” he said. He added that there is also some other condemnable instance in the state where the word Chootia is being used as a slang word.

The organization has announced they will stage a sit in demonstration to pressure the government to fulfill their 26-point charter of demands. ”We have decided to stage a sit in protest on March 15 to push our 26-point charter of demands that includes tribal status and reservation for the Chootia community in educational institutions and preservation of historic monuments of the Chootia dynasty. CT

Fuel price raise protester can’t afford to set himself on fire

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LAHORE: A desperate 33-year-old man attempting to set himself on fire to protest rising gas prices abandoned his demonstration today after he was unable to afford the two litres of petrol needed to douse himself and light a match.

Jamaluddin sits unlit in Chauburji, where he awaits lower gas prices before trying again.

Jamaluddin, an unemployed hotel employee from Chauburji, said he wanted to make the “ultimate sacrifice” to let oil companies and the government know, “how desperate and upset Pakistanis are with fuel costs.” But when he went to his neighborhood gas station this morning, he found the price had jumped.

“Just last week it was 10 rupees cheaper, and frankly that was cutting it close,” said Jamal. “These prices are outrageous. Even if I could afford to set myself on fire, I wouldn’t do it now on principle. I may have mental health issues, but I’m not crazy.”

While agreeing it was a wake-up call, Jamal’s plight immediately set off a fierce debate among environmentalists, industry lobbyists and consumer groups as to who is at fault for keeping the self-styled activist from achieving his goal.

“We should open up wildlife reserves to more drilling and lower prices so that brave young Pakistanis like Jamaluddin can afford to set themselves on fire,” said Jamshed Iqbal, chief lobbyist for the Pakistani Fossil Fuel Council. “We need to break our dependence on foreign oil, and if the administration had listened to us when we asked for this three years ago, that man would be a proud pile of ashes right now.”

Danyal Ishaq, director of the Pakistani Environmental Union, called that solution “unworkable.”

“Studies show it would be a decade or more before new drilling made an impact on the domestic market, and by then Mr. Jamal could have a job and a family and a reason to live,” he said. “If this is a wake-up call, it should open our eyes to the need for renewable sources of energy so that Jamal’s children and grandchildren can live in a world where they can afford to set themselves on fire.”

PTI’s Imran Khan, however, said those alternative sources of energy already exist.

“Right now, today, Imran could rub himself all over with clean, affordable coal,” Khan said. “Not only would he burn more slowly and evenly, but just think of the number of Pakistani workers he would be supporting.”

Self-immolation is quite a common, if gruesome, form of protest in the Middle East and Asia. While no one has suggested Jamal go to the Middle East to achieve his aim, the Gulf Coast Tourism Board has extended an invitation.

“Since the floods and the Earthquake, we’ve really turned things around down here,” said PSO‘s spokesman. “Gas is cheaper, the people are friendly, and you only have to dip your toe in the ocean once to be highly flammable.”

Jamal, however, said he’ll stay in Lahore. and wait until gas prices come down before trying again. Until then, he will protest by pointing out that he can’t afford to protest.

“Nowadays, the only people who can afford to set themselves on fire are the rich, and they’re very people who don’t want to set themselves on fire,” Jamal said. “That right there tells you how messed up the system is and how much we need to change it.”

Saudi Arabia to be ‘dog free’ by 2014

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RIYADH: Abdulaziz Al Sheikh, the Grand Mufti of Saudi Arabia, announced that Saudi Arabia would be completely free of dogs by the year 2014. He said that dogs were being terminated with “exploding pussies”, which were artificial cats installed with smart bombs that went off when dogs approached them. This, he said, had greatly helped reduce the canine population of Saudi Arabia. Adjusting his Swiss Rolex while seated inside an American Hummer H3, the cleric said dogs were symbols of western lifestyle and even Islam considered them as “unwanted and impure”. He said that angels too distanced themselves from dogs.
He said that he expected the rest of the Muslim world to follow suit. Expatriates in Saudi Arabia were forced to sell their dogs to butchers in Riyadh, who say that people consuming them as beef couldn’t tell the difference.

CNN accidentally airs footage of upcoming US-IRAN War

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WASHINGTON: Pentagon officials were furious with CNN today after the network failed to respect a media embargo and accidentally aired footage of a successful Navy missile strike from the third week of the upcoming U.S.-Iran war.

The footage of U.S. strikes against an Iranian nuclear facility (top) and missile launcher are not real yet.

The news network immediately apologized for showing the grainy, 10-second clip of a cruise missile bearing down on an alleged nuclear weapons facility outside Tehran. It came on screen just as anchor Wolf Blitzer was heading into a commercial break, and took him by surprise.

“When we come back,” Blitzer said, “amazing video from Operation T.B.D. of U.S. air strikes on an Iranian military facility that the Navy says completely destroyed… hold on. I don’t think we’re supposed to use this yet … Are we? … No. So our viewers should… to our viewers, that’s… just ignore that.”

The Pentagon provided substantial footage of the upcoming war –- currently labeled ‘Operation To Be Determined’ pending focus group results — to all major news networks last week, asking it not be shown until the conflict starts, most likely in early 2013. Such embargoes are common, notably in business journalism, where reporters are given advance notice of a new product or service but are asked to delay publication until the company is ready to announce.

In the case of war journalism, pre-packaged footage – particularly missile strikes – can be created using CGI or re-purposed from previous wars, although the Pentagon expressly forbids the media from revealing that information. News networks agree to the restrictions because it gives them an opportunity to prepare.

“We want to be proactive instead of reactive and that footage allows us to work ahead on graphics, titles, lead-ins, how to play the story,” said Fox News editor Malcolm Strong. “We also want to make sure we have the right pundits on to discuss it. If you’ve got a retired Army colonel on the air and suddenly you get footage of a Navy strike, that’s just embarrassing.”

At MSNBC, editor Kelly Parsons said the network did consider blowing the whistle on U.S. war plans, but concluded it would put too many people in harm’s way.

“If we expose the war now, we jeopardize literally months of hard work by our staff,” she said. “We’ve got the escalation of war segments, the last minute diplomatic attempts, a two-hour ‘On the Brink’ special slated for November, and the big U.N. vote in January. We’ve already booked the panelists. The bidding with CNN was vicious.”

Iran, however, was outraged, with one Iranian general insisting the video proves America has never been interested in a diplomatic solution to Iran’s nuclear threat.

“Clearly the existence of this false footage proves America intends to go to war with Iran, but when they do, we will be ready,” said Gen. Walid Mujareen. “We have already prepared footage of that same strike, but in ours the missile actually hits a baby milk factory and kills 900 innocent civilians. Iranian forces also shoot down six American planes and capture a dozen pilots, all of whom confess to something. We haven’t decided what.

“I can give you that video now, but it’s under embargo until I say use it, OK?” he added. CNN

Suzuki’s Mehran since 1988, production to cease at Armageddon

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KARACHI: While rolling out the 8 millionth Suzuki Mehran at its assembly plant, Pak Suzuki CFO and Company Secretary, Abdul Hamid Bhombal said that Mehran’s production would never be put to stop. He said that Pak Suzuki would ensure production till the day of judgement. He said that Mehran was a national icon, and 8 million people trusted it. He said that people on the day of judgment would still be driving the same Mehran, the same 800cc engine, the same shape. He said the existing factory didn’t allow modification to the legendary design of the car. He said they were too lazy to change the shape of the car. “The most we can do is offer more colours. After 15 years of production, we offered high beam crystal lights and a new plastic grill. People should be thankful that we stopped making the Suzuki FX. The Mehran is a true family car. My grandfather drove one, and so will my great-grand children drive the same Mehran” PR

Hafiz Saeed says “anal sex allowed if there’s no penetration”

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MURIDKE: Famous cleric and mastermind of Mumbai attacks, Hafiz Saeed of the Jamaat Ud Dawa, has reiterated to the confused youth of Pakistan and Afghanistan, that anal sex is Haraam, but permissible if there is no penetration.
He said that both the guilty participants of this despicanle  heinous doggy sin should immediately resort to sincere forgiveness and pledge firmly
never to resort to such devil like acts again. He said the man on the receiving end should not allow himself to be disgraced in such a manner by allowing his partner to carry out this forbidden act.
He said that anal sex was allowed with the clothes on, which if elaborated, meant to derive joy from the back of one’s husband or wife without penetrating. If so, it is permissible, but anal sex with penetration is strictly prohibited.
He said that the matrimonial bond remained intact, and prescribed this as the best way of family planning instead of using condoms.
He said that anal sex was better than using unIslamic contraceptives, which were invented by the devil and the west to decrease the Muslim population. Zarb-e-Momin

India finds solution to reducing crime rate, disguises criminals as Paki prisoners

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NEW DELHI: Indian security officials have found a novel way to its prison population. Under a new strategy, hardened Indian criminals showing no remorse will be disguised as Pakistani prisoners and be handed over to Pakistan under a prisoner exchange programme. A Pakistani passport printing press has been established in Amritsar to facilitate the process.
Prisoners will be baptised, circumcised and renamed to pass Pakistani custom agencies at the Wagah Border.
These prisoners will then be able to start new lives in Pakistan, giving them a lease of life, and also reducing the crime rate in India.
The Indian Supreme Court directed the government to immediately release 54 prisoners who are languishing in jails.
An apex court bench of Justices RM Lodha and HL Gokhale said the “deportation” in respect of these prisoners should be completed within one month.
The court said its order holds good for five similarly placed prisoners, who will be sent to Bangladesh, Afghanistan and Iran.
Slamming the government for its failure to show concern and urgency to the prisoners’ right to personal liberty, the court said, “We should use the UN charter on human rights and the commitment we gave to ourselves to uphold liberty under Article 21 of the Constitution.”
A list of 365 Indian criminals was given by the Indian government to the apex court on November 28, 2011, from which 54 hardened criminals were selected. IANS

Pakistan will fire missiles in all directions, if Israel bombs Iran

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ISLAMABAD: In the event of Iran being attacked, Pakistan has announced that in an utter state of confusion, it will fire missiles in all directions, including Iran and Afghanistan. It has not disclosed hitting India or China, but Indian sources say that they lie in “all directions”…
Russia has said that attacking Iran would lead to “catasstrophic results” with an imminent World War 3.
This could also disturb the ISI, RAW and Mossad‘s strategic asses in North Waziristan out of their peaceful slumber of terror, leading to a geographic change in the region. The nuclear arse-nal could fall into the wrong hands, leading to doomsday.
India has replied to the Pakistani threat by saying that it too will “fire in all directions”. Jane’s Defence Weekly experts say that this could drag China into the war, with Inan and Pakistan being ignored, leading to a major war. ISPR

M Asif sold my pic to FMH India: Veena Malik

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MUMBAI: As the nation cooled down over Veena Malik‘s ‘nude shoot’ in FMH India, Veena Malik has revealed, sorry disclosed, whoops, exposed, umm, that it was the jailed M Asif who had sent those pictures to FMH India. She said that she was naughtily posing for M Asif, as he played with his cellphone, and took a photo of her. She said that when Asif was found guilty of spot fixing, she dumped him as she couldn’t love a traitor!
She said that he rook revenge by sending the photo to FMH India, which happpily printed the image.
She said that M Asif had also posed nude for ‘Sports Illustrated‘ along with Salman’s Butt.
She said that the PCB had threatened to sue Sports Illustrated, hence they didn’t print the magazine in America. She said that Sports Illustrated, under a deal with the PCB, had chosen to print the magazine in Russia and Afghanistan, where Asif and Salman’s Butt were very famous.
Asif could not be reached for comment, as he was too busy with Salman’s Butt behind bars. CricInfo