Osama bin Laden wanted to marry Whitney Houston

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USMANHOUSTON

LONDON: Osama bin Laden lusted after Whitney Houston, dreamt of marrying her and at one point even plotted to murder her husband Bobby Brown, letters found in his Abbottabad residence have shown. The incredible account of the terrorist’s infatuation with the late singer comes from Sudanese author Kola Boof, who it is widely accepted, lived with him as his mistress. In 1996, and when holed-up in his Moroccan compound, the author claimed Osama had different things on his mind, namely sex, anal sex, Taliban sex, smoking cannabis and dancing to western pop groups like the B52s and Van Halen. Boof, who claims she was kept as a “sex slave” by the world’s most dangerous terrorist, said he thought the singer was “the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen” and that he was desperate to marry her. In an autobiography released in 2006, Boof claims bin Laden plotted to have Brown murdered before wooing Houston by giving her a mansion he owned in the suburbs of Khartoum, some 500 camels and a dairy farm. According to the her account, the strongly racist bin Laden puffed on cannabis before announcing he would be willing to “break his colour rule” and make Houston one of his wives. Inside his warped mind he believed Houston was truly Islamic but had been brainwashed by American culture. Boof, who is black, claimed bin Laden scolded her for braiding her hair and ordered her to model herself on Houston instead. “Osama kept coming back to Whitney Houston. He said that he had a paramount desire for Whitney Houston, and although he claimed music was evil, he spoke of someday spending vast amounts of money to go to America and try to arrange a meeting with the superstar. In his briefcase I would come across photographs of the star, as well as copies of Playboy, but nobody in the West believes me when I tell them this,” she wrote. Her story first surfaced in 2002 when the Guardian newspaper published an article claiming she had had a forced sexual relationship with bin Laden and she was billed as the ‘Former Mistress of Osama Bin Laden’. While some claimed she had made up the story and that it was impossible because of her afro-American heritage, Boof has stood by her account and points out that yet two of bin Laden’s twenty-five children are black and his Syrian grandmother also could be considered a Black woman.
Experts have claimed that Whitney too may have secretly loved Osama, as she may have committed suicide after Osama was killed last year. E!

China to manufacture cheaper American babies

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BEIJING: In a further blow to U.S. manufacturing, China today announced it will produce American babies at one-tenth the cost of its U.S. counterparts.

Chinese officials say the newborns will ship this summer and come in a variety of sizes and colors to reflect the U.S. population. The cost of bearing a child in America varies, but is estimated to be at least $3,000. By comparison, the Chinese model will retail for $299, about the cost of a 32GB iPod Touch.

Chinese companies refuse to divulge the manufacturing process – citing trade secrets – but insist the babies will be constructed of quality materials and be indistinguishable from domestically produced children.

“You will not see a difference with our babies,” said Li Chen Yeo, spokesman for Gu Chi Gu, Ltd. of Changsha. “They will be genetically engineered to resemble the average American child — beautiful, adorable, and innocent at first, and then, eventually, large, attention-challenged, and bad at math.”

The Gu Chi Gu manufacturing plant in Changsha, Hunan Province, China

The Gu Chi Gu manufacturing plant in Changsha, Hunan Province, China

Several conservative groups expressed anger at the news that retailers such as Wal-Mart and Target planned to sell the babies, warning that consumers will see it as “un-American.” A Wal-Mart spokesman, however, said he expects any backlash to be offset by low, low prices. Opponents, however, say price should not be the issue. “These Chinese-made babies may be cheaper, but at what cost?” said Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney. “They could be coated with lead paint. They could be laced with melamine.” “They could be put on layaway for as little as $59.95,” countered Target spokeswoman Angela Crossen. “We’re taking pre-orders now.” The announcement comes at a time when U.S. manufacturing had been showing signs of life after more than a decade of decline.

This development could be the death knell for an entire industry, said Evan Birnbaum, an economist for the American Enterprise Institute.
“Maybe American manufacturers should just give up,” Birnbaum said. “We already buy toys, pet food, chemicals, and computers from China, and now this. Honestly, is there anything we won’t buy from China?”
“Hold on, let me check our inventory,” said Wal-Mart’s spokesman Chad Laramie. “Um… no.”
The babies are expected to be sold under a variety of labels, including Wee Wangs, Chinewborns, WU-S-A Babies, and Little Bundles of Choy. Courtesy SatireWire

‘Arab Spring’ is over. The ‘Arab Summer’ is here!

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AMMAN, JORDAN: The Arab Spring was all about vibrant colors, fabulous youth, and self-expression; a cheeky, even rebellious look that screamed, ‘Out with the old, in with the bold!’ But while the calendar may still say Spring, political fashion never stands still. We asked top these political designers from the leading houses to give us the scoop on the upcoming ‘Arab Summer’ look. Word of caution: While the Arab Spring was very Benetton, Arab Summer may feel more like Ann Taylor. Sacreblech!

King Abdullah bin Abdul Aziz (Saudi Arabia) – House of Saud

Oh goodness, ‘Arab Spring’ is sooo last season. Arab Summer will be très différentes. For one, it will be hot … Get it? It’s Arab Summer! It’s always hot! … You must laugh. I am king. No, for me, the Arab Spring line has sprung a leak. It’s run its course. I know. Sad face. That revolutionary, l’enfant terrible vibe will be outre! Instead I would like to see a return to traditional, monotone, enforced stability. I’m going to use the word ‘Dowdy.’ But I’m spelling it ‘Doubty.’ My subjects won’t be sure what they should be seen in, or who with. So less dreamy, more regimey.

Sultan Qaboos Bin Said (Oman) – House of Al Bu Sa’idi

Well, you know your President Obama — or as we call him, President Obamadorable — was criticized for jumping into the ‘Arab Spring’ thing too late, and I agree totalitarily. That party is over. And it was such a loud party. Just a gaudy explosion. I could not think straight. But trust your Sulty here, it was just a fad. Like hot pants or low oil prices. We’re going traditional again. That’s why I say for Arab Summer the look is less shouty and more pouty. People will sport more of the ‘But you promised…” look. Resigned disappointment, is how I’d categorize it; very much a, ‘We fought for this?’ sulk. No more draped-in-flags. Back to draped-in-rags.

Field Marshal Hussein Tantawi (Egypt) – House of Military Rule

Oh my God, I found Arab Spring just so mischievous, even, dare I say it, naughty?! Everyone I went, people sported that dangerous, ‘Come and get me’ look. Threatening. Very ‘Malcolm X in the City.’ For Arab Summer, I sense more muted, repressive tones. More a throwback, 1950s feel. Think Abdul Nasser — patriotic, but at the same time despotic. I’m thinking the uniform look will be back. Khakis and camouflage. Everywhere. Day and night. The catchphrase will be ‘Repress for Success.’

 Sheikh Sabah al-Sabah (Kuwait) – House of al-Sabah

Traditionally, the Arab zeitgeist had been all about restrictive. That changed with Arab Spring. Suddenly it all went from tighty noosey to loosey goosey, very throw-off-the-shackles-they-don’t-match-my-oeuvre’. You even had these disparate groups uniting. It was tres young, multi-cultural. But, honey, now I think the grown-up look will return. More serious. If the Arab Spring was ‘Benetton.’ Arab Summer will be more ‘Ann Taylor.’ I know that seems a step backward. Or four. But personally it’ll have me singing Ave Sharia!

Sheikh Hamad bin Isa Al Khalifa (Bahrain) – House of Khalifa

To me Arab Spring was a carefree trend, like the overthrow. It was so spontaneous, like ‘I don’t care what my government looks like, let’s just throw on any damn thing.’ It was an ‘out-with-the-old’ atmosphere. But of course most of that so-called old stuff doesn’t get thrown away. It’s like chiffon or lace doilies. Always comes back. So I think in most cases you’ll see the Arabs take that old look and dress it up a bit. Still restrictive and stifling, but just a hint of the new. Maybe a little off-the-shoulder, a soupçon of freedom. Perfumes will be muted too. Nothing overthrowing. Maybe just the slightest hint of democracy. But not so much that you turn heads or attract undue official attention.

King Abdullah II (Jordan) – House of Hashemite

Oh my god, the Arab Summer will be all about drab, drab, drab. Honestly. It’ll be a total backlash against the crazy, sun-filled, gun-filled Arab Spring look. I really see the older generations stamping their influence on the Arab Summer. I see a lot of patient, unexciting sand-colors. That whole shifting sands of time thing. Slow moving. More buttons, fewer zippers. And forget the running shoes. They’ll go back in the closet next to the Jellies. Instead, the new footwear will be what I call Plod-Wear. Every step will seem painfully slow. Like walking up a hill you thought you had already gone up.

King Muhammad VI (Morocco) – House of Alaoui

For Arab Spring we saw that style vs. substance debate turned on its head. So serious! So substantive! People knew what they wanted and weren’t afraid to wear it on their sleeves. Until someone started shooting at their sleeves. Arab Summer will have its own style, but it won’t be comfy. I think it’s a transitional period, like the early 1980s in America. You had the 60s and 70s where the fashion was wild and radical and all over the place. Nehru jackets and thigh boots? The  BeeGees and Jimi Hendrix? Gag reflex! That couldn’t last, obviously. So then you had the conservative Reagan 80s. Very retro. Very hangover. Very ‘Whoa, what the hell did we just do?’ Courtesy (SatireWire.com)

In the line of (each other’s) fire? Mush offers Rs 105 million bounty on Bugti’s head

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Mushi and Shahzoo: In the line of (each other's) fire?

LONDON: In response to Shahzain Bugti’s announcement of offering Rs 100 million to whoever kills ex army asshole president Musharraf, the enlightened and moderated leader has announced a greater reward of Rs 105 million. In a press conference in London, Musharraf said that he was an ambassador of peace and didn’t believe in hostility of any sort. But he said he was also an ex SSG commando and Shahzain Bugti would “never know what hit him”. He said that whoever killed Shahzain would be rewarded Rs 105 million. Musharraf said that he would soon return to Pakistan and lead the country out of the mess the PPP government had created, when they had come into power four years ago, after the mess his 9 year old martial law had created. ISPR

Nawaz and Shahbaz Sharif to star in Planet of Apes sequel

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RAIWIND: In what is being seen as a publicity stunt by PML-N, Nawaz and Shahbaz Sharif will be starring in the epic sequel of Planet of the Apes, titled ‘Revenge of the Rogue Baldies”
Shot near Jatti Umrah in Raiwind, the movie depicts how the province of Punjab is being run by monkeys.
Here Rana Sanullah, like his hairy human self, is a rogue chimpanzee flouting Jamat-ud-dawa flags and men. His gang of blacklisted chimpanzees and gorillas serve as reinforcements to the Rogue Baldies in their revenge against the swine flu army.
The swine flu army of Pakistan has unleased dangerous dengue into the province of Punjab, and the Shareef brothers are deemed to fight till the last victim dies.
Critics claim that the movie is the best example of gorilla warfare, with Rahat Fateh Ali Khan lending his voice for the score.
Produced by the House of Saud, Planet of the Apes will be screened in Lahore only, while pirated copies will be sold in Karachi and also in Peshawar, with Pashto subtitles. NNI

RJ Hakeem Sulaiman suggests Viagra boost for wilting flowers

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Hakeem Sulaiman inspecting a patient

AZADI CHOWK, LAHORE: Forget being green-fingered, gardening fans could soon be blue-fingered after Al Mashoor FM 103 RJ Hakeem Sulaiman, of Azadi Chowk Dawakhana fame, has suggested using viagra for wilting flowers suggested the sex drug Viagra could perk-up their foliage. On his radio show ‘Hakeem Sulaiman Day Tibbi Mashwaray’ with the horny Saima Jee, Hakeem Sulaiman said chemicals in the little blue pill can stop flowers from drooping.

“Picture this, a vase a wilting cut flowers drop in a standard Viagra tablet.  Hey presto, it stiffens up your blooms a treat,” he said. “Now it actually only needs 1 mg of an standard 50 mg tablet to do this but it does re-stiffen the blooms in a vase, believe it or not. “If you’ve got wilting blooms, a touch of Viagra and it re-stiffens your blooms for another day or so.” Hakeem Sulaiman said that he was an animal lover and didn’t experiment any medicine on animals. He said that Saima Jee was the best lab rat one could have, and viagra was the main reason behind her excitement on the show.
ISPR

Mansoor Ijaz admits ‘Memo-graphy’ sextape

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Memo-graphy

Subtitle: "I am horny, are you?"

The complex political and legal drama Pakistani reporters call “Memogate” veered into unexpected territory, when an American businessman who claims that Pakistan’s government asked the United States to help it stave off a military coup admitted that he once played in a porn movie, where he banged a female wrester.

The businessman, Mansoor Ijaz, said that he did act in the 2004 video for “Memo-graphy” an Italian porn film. The admission came after Pakistani bloggers discovered two versions of the video on Redtube, both of which feature Mr Ijaz having sex in a wrestling ring. The women tearing off her bikinis, and “Weasel Williams” (Mansoor Ijaz) jumps on her, uttering sexually suggestive words that are bleeped out.

After links to the video were passed around on Twitter on Wednesday, Mr. Ijaz insisted that supporters of President Asif Ali Zardari had drawn attention to the clip in an effort to damage his credibility as a witness.

The Pakistani blog Cafe Pyala, which helped draw attention to Mr. Ijaz’s role in the music video — and discovered more footage of him on the set, in a behind-the-scenes clip — rejected his claim that it was acting on behalf of Mr. Haqqani, the former ambassador. Addressing Mr. Ijaz, the bloggers wrote: “We would just like to assure him that we do not have Mr. Haqqani goading us on and neither do, we think, any of the people on Twitter who first discovered and shared the video. We would like to admit that we did find it — and him in it — really funny.”

According to the blogger who found the porn clip on RedTube, it was the fact that Mr. Ijaz has appeared frequently as a “terror analyst” on Fox News in recent years that was his undoing. (On Sept. 10, 2003, for instance, Mr. Ijaz assured one of the network’s anchors, “There is no ifs, ands or buts about the fact that there was a connection between Al Qaeda and Saddam Hussein.”)

When the blogger who dug up the clip was asked on Twitter how he first made the connection between the video and Mr. Ijaz, he explained, “When I saw him on Fox News ages ago, I was like, ‘That’s that guy from that song.’”

The blogger said that he was searching for white porn as it had been a rough day at blogging, when he found Weasel Williams shagging a female wrestler and moaning in a nice American accent.

Maya Khan offered blow-jobs for McNuggets

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Maya Khan;s McNuggets

Maya Khan's McNuggets

LAHORE: Lahore High Court has served a notice to Maya Khan after she apparently offered McDonalds customers a sexual favours in exchange for some chicken McNuggets.

Maya Khan was reportedly going car to car at a drive-thru in Lahore and opening doors before making her offer.

Maya Khans McNuggets

Maya Khans McNuggets

She is said to have told a number of men that she would give then a blow job if they bought her a portion of chicken McNuggets.

It has been reported that a couple of rickshaw drivers tricked her into giving them blowjobs and rewarding them with ‘anda-shami burgers’ only.

Khan was charged with misdemeanor solicitation and will now appear in court where she could be handed a year in prison and a Rs 100,000 fine.

Before you ask, it’s not known what size portion of chicken McNuggets Khan was after. We’ve have seen a lot of people heading to Khan’s house with McNuggets in large boxes. Samaa TV could not be reached for comment, as fights have broken outside her house and riot Police with more McNuggets reached to the scene and sang “aik baar kaho tum mere ho” in unison.

Sex scene plays in the background of Samaa TV broadcast

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Maya KhanKARACHI: A TV showing a sex scene — which appeared in the background of a live broadcast — has horrified viewers, well eagle-eyed ones anyway.

The Samaa TV broadcast, which was running Maya Khan’s show, featured an anal-lyst talking to Maya about leashing woman and establishing gay parks.

But as Maya Khan spoke, some viewers were distracted by the TV over her left shoulder which was screening images of a topless woman having sex.

It’s thought the raunchy footage was from Mansoor Ijaz’s 2004 sextape titled ‘Memography’ and apparently no-one in the newsroom realised the blunder had happened until it had aired. A spokesman for Samaa TV said: ‘We hope viewers weren’t too distracted by the unexpected and incidental content on the show.’

Viewers were happy that Maya Khan actually had something worthwhile to show, after foxhunting for couple in parks and dancing on “mein tou aiwaeein aiwaeein lut gaya with na-mehrams”… PR

Traditional Urdu could be dying out: Research

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LAHORE: Traditional shairana urdu could be dying out, it has been claimed. Researchers from Jallo Morr University say younger Pakistanis suffer from a linguistic insecurity and actively alter their accents and language.

This is thought to be because their traditional accents are associated with a number of negative attributes, like being over-friendly, gay and irritating.

The older generation still speak the way they always have, but youngsters try to change it by doing things like using simple words, and refrain from using ancient Urdu, which has now been left for song lyricists to abuse.

17yr old Sibtain Noor, who now prefers to be called “Sibby”, says that Urdu was always a language for poets, prostitutes and politicians, as they have always hung out together. NNI